


But Not To Me

by theselittlethings



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Dry Humping, Ends The Same Way, Except They Bone Before It, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Heavy Angst, I'm Sorry, Inappropriate Use of the Force, POV Kylo Ren, Porn with Feelings, Prompt Fic, Shared sensations, Smut, That's Not How The Force Works, Throne Room Divergence, not wish fulfillment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2020-01-23 19:30:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,705
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18556336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theselittlethings/pseuds/theselittlethings
Summary: “…Ben?”He memorizes every detail of her face — flushed cheeks, creased brows, dark eyelashes, wisps of loose hair — framed by the eerie quiet of their destruction. His body is restless like it might burst at the seams, thrilled and dazed byher, by their conquest, by their…He searches for the words to say but everything sounds wrong. He charges in and decides not to say anything at all,“Rey, I don’t care about the kriffing fleet —”He grabs her and kisses her hard.





	But Not To Me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ArdeaJestin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ArdeaJestin/gifts).



> Thank you so much for this prompt, it was a challenge and had a lot of fun writing it:
> 
> “A post-Throne Room Battle sex scene with loads of angst, tears, and sweat.”
> 
> Really went for broke on the emotional turmoil and drama. This one hurts, but hopefully in the best possible way. Fingers crossed you enjoy!! ❤️

Kylo ignites the saber, gouging the last praetorian guard’s skull. It burns armor and flesh with a crackling sound too close to his ears. A strange silence follows as the guard loosens his grip on his weapon and Kylo gasps for breath. Flames singe the tapestries, embers and ashes float like falling snow. The coppery smell of blood and heated metal beat through the waves of heat thickening the air. His opponent slumps to a lifeless heap behind his back as Kylo comes to stand.

His eyes dart over the corpses littered over the floor. His master — his tormentor, the voice that crept behind every intent — crumples onto the ground with an inelegant thud. Snoke’s body looks so small and weak sliced in half, his presence no longer looming in the spaces between his thoughts. A different kind of awareness beats across Kylo’s chest, bids him to turn towards —

Her. _Rey._ She stares at the windows in profile, seemingly stunned by their handiwork. She’s like a beacon bathed in the fire’s glow with her lips parted in shock or relief or maybe something else. Her boots are scuffed, her forehead shines with sweat, and her hands tense with anticipation like she’s about to move and break the moment between them.

“The fleet —”

She runs to the viewfinder, her wraps flowing with her limber movements. The seconds pass slowly as he follows her hurried motions and hopeful gaze. She turns and shouts,

“The fleet — Order them to stop firing, there’s still time to save the fleet…”

That same silence settles in the empty throne room. The place is filled with death and everything is burning. Adrenaline still surges through his veins as he struggles to come down, unsure if he’s ever stood on his own quite like this. A part of him considers whether he should be scared but nothing has ever felt this real, this _solid and clear_ , and she’s here — remains standing by his side after —

“Ben?”

The syllable plucks the tension building in his chest. He meets her eyes, bright despite the wreckage surrounding them. His tether to their bond tugs with a longing that intensifies the illusion that they’re the only things alive in the whole ship. She stands strong with cracked armor strewn at her feet, open and ready to take the galaxy he tore apart to place in her hands.

He realizes he hasn’t answered her yet, his thoughts still scattering (now unguided, unaccompanied, and finally his own). He turns away from the throne and closes this last distance between them, no longer separated by lightyears or allegiances or anything but his steps across the floor. They thud in his ears over his racing pulse. He doesn’t look away from her as he treads over blood and crooked limbs, his stance staying firm as he walks towards her.

Their bond hums in agreement beneath his skin, spreading like a restless static as if the Force itself draws him nearer. Her expression softens but it’s tempered with a hint of fear. She glances to the viewfinder and meets his eyes once more, throat moving as she swallows and asks,

“…Ben?”

He memorizes every detail of her face — flushed cheeks, creased brows, dark eyelashes, wisps of loose hair — framed by the eerie quiet of their destruction. His body is restless like it might burst at the seams, thrilled and dazed by _her_ , by their conquest, by their…

He searches for the words to say but everything sounds wrong. He charges in and decides not to say anything at all,

“Rey, I don’t care about the kriffing fleet —”

He grabs her and kisses her hard.

Their bond springs to life and he’s never felt the Force stream through him like this. It weaves into his ribs and pools in his stomach and flares beneath his gloves. It spills against his skin as he wraps his arms around her and she doesn’t push him away. She opens her mouth and returns his embrace, deepens their kiss and presses her breasts against his chest. His mind goes blank, her tongue slides over his, and he bends in to hold her tighter like she might —

She pulls back, scrambling to speak between shortened breaths,

“Ben, the fleet, the First Order —”

“It’s time to let the old things die —”

“But —”

He puts his lips on hers to show her, not letting her go when she flinches in his grip. But she doesn’t return it and something wavers in their bond like she’s slipping away. Like she doesn’t understand how meaningless all that is. He leans back this time, keeps his voice steady,

“Let it all die. All of it —”

“Don’t do this, don’t…”

Her words slip together as she runs her fingers down his ribs, as her eyes glass over. Her little arms wrap his wide frame and she inhales deeply against his clothes. His heart pounds loud enough that he wonders if she can hear it. She shakes softly like she’s holding something back. He hurries to elaborate before losing his nerve,

“I want you to join me —” He can’t leave here alone again, not after finding this sense of purpose he’s sought for so long. “We could bring a new order to the galaxy, we could —”

“Ben, don’t…”

She swallows the thought with a choked sound as tears streak her cheeks. Rey pushes him away, her shoulders heaving as she cries and spins about to survey the destruction once more.

“…Don’t go this way,” she manages to say, wiping her nose as she pauses to stare at Snoke’s corpse.

Her hesitation is obvious in her tone and posture. A flicker of concern crosses her features. He stumbles forward to clasp her hands, struggling to speak when his throat feels too tight against the exhilaration still surging through him,

“I want — I want _you_ , Rey, together we can —”

She turns back like he’s cued her to respond, unconsciously pouting her bitten lips. She peers up into his face and the tears haven’t stopped. She wrenches her hands from his and stands on her toes to hold his cheeks,

“I — I want you too, Ben, I want —”

She kisses him this time, messy and rough and perfect like the rest of her. Her fingers tense along his jaw as something breaks in their bond, pouring a warmth through the connection that makes their movements more desperate. It heightens the smell of her drying sweat in his nose, the taste of salt on her tongue, the flickering sound of decaying flames, the need to have her _closer_ when her body is already against his. His hands rove over her, bunching her clothes and tangling her hair. Her palms slide down his face to touch his shoulders and rub his arms. He keeps getting distracted by how near they are at their hips.

She sighs when he kisses her neck, when he whispers, “What do you want?” He cinches her in, hoping he doesn’t sound as frantic as he feels. “Tell me — Please —”

“Join _me_ ,” she sobs, “come back to —”

“You’re still holding on, Rey, we can be together, we can —”

But she doesn’t let him finish, tugging his belt toward her hard enough to throw them off-balance to the floor. He falls to his hands and knees, she tumbles onto her back and catches her weight on her wrists. His hair obscures part of his vision as he crawls over her and she doesn’t scurry away. She sits up and circles his neck, meeting his lips again. Something buzzes in his ears as the Force shrieks for him to keep going, as that warmth ignites his nerves and keeps trailing lower.

His arms wobble and he collapses to his elbows, groaning into her mouth when he feels her body lying beneath his. He doesn’t mean to grind his pelvis into hers as he clambers back onto his hands, but her breath hitches and she bites his lip. Her flowing wraps tangle aside as she squirms under his weight. Her shirt scrunches up to her belt when she inches down, aligning her hips with his when she rolls against him with tiny motions. And everything feels so _right_ that nothing matters except _this,_ except _them_ — except having _her._

Kylo disconnects to taste the skin along her collarbone, charting a path up her neck to shudder in her ear, “I’ll give you anything.” He barely recognizes his ragged and pleading tone. “I’ll give you the entire galaxy, anything, Rey —”

He stops when she scratches his scalp and yanks his collar to keep him near. She angles to grind up on him more, winces when he touches the wound on her upper arm. Her legs drift apart and he rocks into her as their bond hums pleasantly. He’s overly aware of how the tip of his cock prods her entrance, swears he can sense how heated she is through their clothes. 

Rey pulls away to rest her head on the floor, her hair spreading like a halo. Her eyes are still glassy beneath her half-lidded gaze. It makes her expectant face seem so girlishly vulnerable even as she heaves against him with shortened breaths. He kneels to stare down at her pinned body, ignoring a faraway alarm blaring somewhere in the ship. She lets him grab her tits, perfect little handfuls covered by too many layers of fabric. He’s so dumbstruck by her assent that he’s going out of order, pulling her sash from her belt before coming back to fiddle with its latch to spring it open. She’s beautiful and vibrant, open and _here_ — but she still hasn’t answered and Kylo’s babbling again,

“I’ll give you the entire galaxy, I’ll —”

He glances down as she slips her fingers between them to curl along his belt and thumb for the clasp. She flops it aside somewhere, stirring up a tiny plume of ash that dusts the ends of her hair. Her hands are unsteady as she slides them underneath his tunic, drifting her palms so so close to where he tents his pants. Something in their bond keeps prodding him forward and she must feel it too. Her cheeks are pink when she pauses, right before she says,

“I don’t want any of that, Ben.” She watches his lips. “…I just want you.”

There’s no hesitation in his reply,

“I’m already yours.”

Her fingers flutter against him and she nods. Rey drops her hands and he hikes up her shirt and loosened belt to find the hem of her trousers. He grazes the exposed plane of her stomach with his glove. Their bond swells from their desire, charging their actions with a certain senselessness that overcomes every misgiving and barrier between them. He sweeps aside a chunk of armor resting close to her head, its clatter echoes in the cavernous room. She arches her back slightly when he hooks his thumbs into her pants and fumbles them a few inches down. Her underwear is plain, spotted with her wetness right where his tip kept pushing against her opening. 

The thick scent of her arousal mixes with her sweat and she doesn’t tell him to stop. He shudders when she rubs her palm over his crotch, tracing his cock through the fabric for a few seconds before flinching away. She fidgets trying to kick off her boots and he hurries down to pluck them from her feet. He perches back up to take off his gloves, tossing them to land by her ears. The distant siren hasn’t stopped and Kylo peeks up at the guards strewn about the floor, dizzy from her smell and the strain below his stomach.

She shuffles out of her pants, pushes down her underwear, and he peels them both off her ankles. He spies dark tufts of hair between her hips and he clenches his jaw. Their eyes meet again as he fumbles his trousers below his knees. She’s chewing her lip trying not to look at his cock and it makes him even hotter for her, slapping away the reminder that Snoke’s corpse is only so many feet away. His hands are shaking when he digs his nails in her knees to split them open, her thighs trembling as he skims his palms up the soft skin. Rey shifts to her back but stays fully displayed. He catches her staring at his length with hollowed cheeks and her unnerved reaction is like something from a dream.

“Ben, I —”

She inhales sharply when he slides two fingers up her slit, cringing like she can’t help it. Her opening is pink and shiny along the edges from her arousal. He feathers up to find her clit, circling awkwardly with the edge of his thumb until her breath catches. He repeats the motion to hear her do it again, emboldened by her skewed features and prone position. Her legs fall open more and he slips his fingers inside her, pumping deeper to wet them past his knuckles. She squeezes up and he curls at the tips, shuddering when she shuts her eyes and moans softly.

Something booms faraway, loud enough to pass through the throne room, momentarily breaking Kylo from his reverie. He wishes there was time to linger and tease her, to keep her unfurling and longing for his cock, to lick her mindless until her thighs clap his ears and she's whining for him to be inside her. He twists his wrist and she sounds damp bouncing up against his fingers. For a moment he expects to hear a click of disapproval in the back of his thoughts, chastising his willingness to let his body lead him instead of controlling his passion —

— But this isn't like _then._ And there’s nothing breaking the silence in his mind except how hard he is and how he’s free to do whatever he wants about it.

Rey whimpers when he slithers his fingers out and pries her wide to taste her, striping his tongue up her opening before he loses his chance. Her cunt is sloppy, pulses against his mouth, and he keeps shifting his knees as he grows more eager. She pulls his hair to keep him in place, starts moaning again when he smudges over her clit and her heels kick aside some debris when she scrapes them on the floor. The next explosion is closer and he pulls away suddenly when her voice sounds serious again,

“Ben, what are —”

She swallows her words when he kneels up to loom over her, his cock pointing out between them as he crawls between her hips. He sets aside that they’re both mostly clothed still, motivated by something more instinctual than sweet when his heart beats wildly and their connection flickers with every breath. He goes down onto his hands, resting them by her head and breathing low in her ear,

“Say you want me…”

“I —”

But she doesn’t say it, not with words, instead reaching down to circle her hand around his length. His shoulders heave and elbows wobble as she tightens her nimble fingers and goes faster. Their connection statics wildly and he’s so close to having everything he ever wanted (his mind, the galaxy, the —). Yet he can’t relinquish this chance to revel in his own power, in his agency, in his ability to reduce her to a shaking mess while surrounded by death on every side. She fingers herself with her idle hand and brings it back up to wet his shaft. And even though she’s panting and the Force is thrumming beneath his pores, there’s still this one more thing he wants to hear,

“Say it, Rey.”

He hitches close to her cunt to prod it with his tip, every inch of his body screaming to push inside her. He dips just a little and she’s so so kriffing wet for him. He grits his teeth to keep holding still.

She whispers, “I want you, I want all of you —”

It sounds perfect and a part of him still doesn’t believe it. Another just wants to see her blush when she says it aloud. He takes a deep breath and presses just enough for her to swallow the top. She inhales sharply too, tensing like her body’s been stung, and she hitches hard like she’s too tight to take him in. The face she makes trying to peek down at where they join is so cute and nervous that it’s almost obscene.

“Go on,” he urges. “Say it.”

“I want all of you inside me, Ben…”

Her mouth drops open with a gasp when he listens, her knees clapping his hips as he deepens his entry. He fills her slowly to feel how he strains her open, to prolong the way she wiggles to settle around him. He bottoms out and rubs into her splayed thighs to burrow as far as she’ll let him go. She gently rolls her pelvis to encourage him to move and there’s a gentle echo through the Force, like it insists they stay close and open like this.

He follows its lead and jerks his hips to pump into her hard, thrusting a few times before falling into an irregular rhythm. She bumps back against his movements and every part of her feels alive beneath him. The connection weaves tighter and ignites each thread of friction to spill across their bond. She clamps down in response and rocks up to fuck him into her faster, her features twisting like he’s almost too much to fit. 

“Kriff, Rey, that —”

“I- I feel it too…”

He holds her down to kiss her roughly and she scratches his back, heightening the sense of being inside her everywhere all at once. Briefly he wonders if she can taste herself on his lips when she moans against his mouth and starts bucking like somehow she wants even more. An urgency seizes his end of their bond and suddenly he realizes she’s thinking

_— we haven’t got much time —_

He knows she’s right but never wants this to end. She’s taut and soaked as she bobs along his cock. She’s moaning and shaking around him, her sounds ringing in his ears. Her face flushes and shines from exertion, her tits bouncing with the beat of slapping skin. And the Force itself seems to resonate inside her, making every sensation more intense. It’s surreal and tunnels his focus like nothing else exists in the room. She’s building fast and he feels powerful and alive, sharing her impulse and lust the more heated her noises get. 

A siren starts wailing much closer, it’s nagging pitch cutting low across the room. It’s jarring and startles Kylo enough to remember they may only have minutes left. Something pulls in his stomach and he hooks beneath her knees to press her thighs to her chest. She narrows with the position and makes tiny wet sounds as he angles deep. The next explosion is closer still but it doesn’t matter, emboldened when he feels her clench hard and leak against his hips.

_— I’m so —_

Her voice cuts into his mind once more and he’s never felt this close to anyone before, both inside their body and the blurred boundaries of their mind. He groans hard into her ear, licks the sweat from her neck, the both of them shivering and reeling from whatever is happening between them. That echo keeps lingering and he can sense how he seals her snugly, how good and full it is with him inside her. He wants to finish with his cock buried and clasped like this and he squeezes her uninjured upper arm, presses down to find her implant with his thumb. She seems to understand what he means, nodding against his shoulder with a heavy empty sound. 

_— so close —_

He pushes into her like he’s falling, she chokes like all the air’s been knocked from her lungs. She’s drenched and wrings harshly as she says his name with her last breath,

“Ben —”

A heat snaps back and floods their connection all at once. She cringes with her release and holds him with her cunt and limbs. Her body is warm and cramped working against his length. She slots onto him hard and pulls him deeper, throwing her head back to cry out again. The feedback from her climax is so present it’s almost alarming and Kylo doesn’t know if he’ll ever feel this complete again. He pulls her hair to kiss her and he senses the Force everywhere, like it’s clouding the air and prickling all over his skin. He winds his hips back and collapses into her once more,

“Rey —”

His mind goes blank when he comes, totally overwhelmed as he grunts and unloads inside her. He spills heavily and the bond ripples in response, shivering and swimming inside his veins. Their noises are loud and vulgar, both of them completely uninhibited and absorbed in one another. And for these seconds he has his victory, his thoughts, and even this divine creature beneath him — every aspiration and fantasy fulfilled. The galaxy is in his grasp and its most beautiful woman is sheathed on his cock, twisting to let his seed warmly pool in her tight little cunt as their connection sings with encouragement. They grind together and ride it out, beads of sweat collecting on their brows and sliding along their temples. Kylo bites her lip and she scratches him hard enough to draw blood. His wrists start to hurt and his knees feel bruised against the floor and he slumps to a heap on top of her as the high dwindles to fade away…

Rey winces beneath his weight and Kylo props up to clutch her waist, to see his hands span her middle with her body split over his length. He rolls his hips lightly as he softens and listens to the gentle murky noises she makes. She presses her cheek to the floor and struggles to steady her breaths. Her eyes are watery from fallen ash but also something else, his insides leaping when tears streak her cheeks.

He drags out of her slowly even though he doesn’t want to and his shoulders tense feeling the last threads of friction as he leaves. His mouth shakes when he presses it to her eyelids, his lips shuddering when she pinches her face beneath them. A longing drops into their bond and a sadness weighs Kylo’s chest that snaps him back to where they are —

— surrounded by debris and bodies and alarms blaring everywhere in a burning room. With his master’s corpse sliced in half and bleeding on the throne. With his pants around his knees and his come dripping onto the enemy’s thighs. He freezes in place and she hasn’t stopped crying and for a second he thinks he’s done something terribly wrong until she reaches out to hold his cheeks again.

“Ben, that was —”

There’s just enough trepidation in her voice to make his heart leap, to make him plead, “Stay with me, Rey —”

“I can’t —”

“Stay with me,” he repeats, his throat closing around his words. “Please —”

“Not… not like this…”

She’s scrambling out from underneath him, inhaling deeply and sitting up to unroll her shirt. Kylo shakes his head, still kneeling and exposed with widened eyes,

“Not — not like what?”

“Not here with…” She glances over the room once more like she still needs to take it all in. “With this darkness, the First Order, the…”

Her words drop to silence and slice a hole through his chest. She’s grabbing her clothes and hurrying her trousers back on, hiding away her body as the bond wavers and thins. Kylo remains still, baffled by her doubt after they shared _that,_ after —

“What we have is bigger than all this,” he insists, still sensing the Force beating through his veins. “You know it, you felt it too, and you — you think —”

“But the fleet —”

“I don’t care about the kriffing fleet!”

She pales and startles away when he shouts, staring back as if she’s coming to some sort of understanding that Kylo knows will break him. Everything is spiraling out of control, her expression draining as whatever she realizes is becoming clearer. He’s losing all he ever wanted as quickly as it came and his silent mind scatters watching her pull on her boots, watching her smooth her wraps and quickly rub her cunt like she’s sore. She wipes her tears with the back of her hand, leaving a smudge of ash along one cheek.

“Ben, please, come back with me, don’t go this way —”

“Why? Why are you going back?” He glances down at his flaccid cock, suddenly remembering to pull up his pants. He hurries to rise to his feet seeing her come to a stand. “Why are still holding on? To win a losing war?” He can’t stop himself. “So you can go back to Jakku and wait for your parents who left you? Who threw you away like garbage, who —”

She stops. She listens. Her hands are trembling by her sides. But she can’t seem to look him in the eye. He knows he’s struck a nerve, flings aside every last shred of discretion to make her finally _understand._

“Do you want to know the truth about your parents?”

“Ben —”

He reaffirms his stance but doesn’t tread any closer. “Or have you always known and just hidden it away?”

Rey wets her lips and shakes her head again. Her shoulders heave as she fights back another sob. Something softens and flickers across her gaze and it hits him all at once —

“You know the truth.” He pauses. “Say it.”

He repeats himself on purpose, desperately trying to break her delusion in no uncertain terms. To make her see that the Force has granted them the belonging they’ve sought. To show her she doesn’t need to be alone ever again.

“Say it.”

Tears well in her eyes. Sweat beads down her neck. She doesn’t look away.

“…They were nobody.”

But he keeps going, not thinking about how he’s twisting the blade. “They were filthy junk traders who sold you off for drinking money. They’re dead in a pauper’s grave in the Jakku desert —”

She’s crying harder. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. Kylo wonders if she knows how stunning she is, even when her heart is breaking. But she doesn’t seem to get it, that these _traitors_ she barely knows will _never_ be there for her like him.

“— You have no place in this story. You come from nothing —”

Why is she crying more? He hurries, rushes to make her stop.

“— You’re nothing. But not to me.”

She peeks up with raised brows, brightening her features like she already knows. He crouches to pick up his gloves, holds them in one fist and comes back up to extend his bared and open hand. She opens her mouth like she’s ready to speak, but no words come out.

“Join me.”

The connection severs. She’s already gone.

“…Please.”

But she doesn’t answer, doesn’t say anything more. Doesn’t tell him what she’s feeling, assumes that he must know. She sniffs loudly and whips her head around like she’s looking for a way to leave. She gasps spotting his grandfather’s saber on the floor, calls it to her hand like it’s _her_ legacy when she’s chosen to dismiss the Force’s insistence to join his side. Kylo lunges forward to summon it back, gloves dropping to the ground as the weapon whips then comes to a halt between them. She grits her teeth and bends her knees, stretching out to take it back with a glare tempered by a sadness that she doesn’t realize he can see. His body is fueled by rage that blinds his regret, his hatred of his unique ability to ruin all he ever touches. He had her in his arms, moaning his name, coming all over him as the Force sprang to life and sang for them to lie inside one another and finally _just be —_

Everything disappears in a white light and Kylo doesn’t know what he will see when he wakes.

All he knows is that he had everything he ever wanted and let it fall away.

**Author's Note:**

> NOTE ADDED 05/04/19: thank you for reading. these are all my explicit [oneshots](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/theselittlethings_sw_oneshots). this is my completed longread: [The Black Forest](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14400549/chapters/33255489) (a spooky sexy post-tlj ghost story). this is my works [page](https://archiveofourown.org/users/theselittlethings/works). find me on [twitter](http://www.twitter.com/theselittlefics) xoxo


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